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Status Update by Asterion 04 AUG 2025 This screed is something that's been in the making for months—or rather waiting, since I haven't touched it much since starting. I think I intended to finish an earlier, worse version of this with my "I'm back!" post, but chickened out at the last second. Until today, I only had a vague idea of writing it just to get all this off my chest. That still applies, but now this post is for someone else. That person is my future self. He will have new memories, lessons, and a new perspective to view this from. He, hopefully, will have jumped off the porch and left this isolated lifestyle I am only beginning to get out of at the time of writing. This is an historical account which I've written while I still remember it. I hope it turns out to be a parable for the person I am yet to be, so that I can learn from my mistakes and be a normal person for once. And who knows, maybe other people will learn from it also. Or just gawk. I couldn't blame them in that case. * * * I've been curious about things for my whole waking life. In my childhood, I'd read a lot of books and play around learning things on the Internet. Some time in 2019 or 2020, I got interested in politics. I don't quite remember why. It could've been my curiosity and the teen angst I remember possibly feeling at the time. I first started researching left-libertarian things like anarcho-communism, mutualism, minarchism, etc. Then in 2021 I got interested in neo-luddism. That led me down a rabbit hole which I think I got bored of after... 9 months? I must've returned to a passive interest in politics and focused on other things for a while after that until February/March 2023. This was when my now early teen self thought he could create "the perfect ideology" or something like that. My initial push didn't produce anything except a few terrible essays, but after it would come a 2 year-long personal project researching (well, "researching") philosophy and the like. Through 2023 and 2024, I'd develop chronic brain rot. I moved on from those essays to fill hundreds of notebook pages with amateurish notes, and in my wake leave many unfinished drafts for essays and books. Often, I'd devolve into nonsensical, neurotic screeds on esoteric theory and byzantine mental constructs. Early on, I found and read Robert Nozick's Anarchy, State and Utopia. This only worsened my illness when I tried doing analytic philosophy myself. I thankfully began moving away from this in the summer of last year. But from this sad affair came another. Ideas I had picked up from The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins, old Alternative Hypothesis/Ryan Faulk videos, papers from Philippe J. Rushton and so on led me to develop this materialist, consequentialist ethnonationalism. In other words, I had become a white nationalist. But I wasn't compatible with it's more extreme ideas. I also burnt some bridges because of it. Not long after becoming based and redpilled is when I started to feel disgraced and blackpilled. I felt bad for what I had done, but at the same time I felt like "the left" was too naive to return to. Wasn't really sure what to do! At least it was over by March. My white nationalism decayed into Linkola-type ecofascism, which then decayed into total nihilism. I had left "the right", but at the same time I couldn't return to "the left". The things I learned about nature and evolution in my brief stint irrevocably changed my worldview. I saw both of them as naive, and that noone in the world really knew anything. I blamed our limited human biology on our inability to find "the real truth", which I was bitterly disappointed not to have found after all my work. Everything I had done, all the time I had spent, was for nothing at all. Years passed for me to finish nowhere. I acutely felt the meaninglessness of things. I felt rudderless with nothing to pursue or fight for. Maybe I couldn't help myself not giving up, though. Despite my severe disenchantment, my nihilism wasn't entirely pure. It seems to have made for a blank slate looking back on it. My most base ideas, the ones I truly believed in, emerged like subconscious thoughts bubbling into my mind's eye as I try to fall asleep. I still looked for purpose, and chose to pursue what I thought was beautiful. I embraced survivalism (which was also one of my childhood interests), and even a bit of primitivism like what I explored in 2021. I loathed what I saw as the chaotic, howling monsoon of noise and trash that civilization created, and enraptured myself in cathartic fantasies of it's replacement. I had surmised a zombie apocalypse or deadly disease could be the best thing to happen to humanity—something which would swiftly return us to what Pentti Linkola described as man at the beginning of it's history: "a sparse and noble species". My ideal was a gauntlet of fire into which humanity would go, and out of which it would emerge as something beautiful. Out of the rat utopia, into Arcadia. My ideas continued to mature after that. In May, I had some ideas about beauty. When I visited a zoo near me, I had some ideas about the phenomenon of life and deep ecology. Other than that, there's not much else to say. * * * What am I now? Nothing in particular. I'm my own thing now because I'm trying to be normal and successful. I took advantage of the hard reboot I got after thinking myself into The Sads, came up with a few things, then moved on to things that mattered more. Things which mattered in the real world. I sometimes return to "my worldview" when I have a good idea. It's how I learn about and interpret the world. But honing my opinions on society or whatever down to every minute detail isn't as important as becoming a functioning adult now that I'm out of high school. I've become Buellerpilled on philosophy.