☽ Asterion's Labyrinth



Index

Renewal
07 MAR 2025

I graduated high school under 4 months ago. It just came and went. I had no real friends who I'd hang out with outside of school——only acquaintances at best. I had no relationships. I never did any extracurriculars, special classes or whatever else. I rarely dared to step outside the routine, and never left the house except to go to school. The only memories I have are interesting moments and occasional embarrassments. I sleepwalked through "the best years of my life".

It was only until the beginning of this week that... no... I'd be lying to myself if I said there was some moment where I snapped out of this haze. I had a moment on March 3 where I finally cancelled this personal project I worked on for 2 years. I wanted to make a political ideology and perhaps lead a movement (childish, I know). And it was personally significant to be sure. But it wasn't everything. It alone didn't cause me to live the same day, every day, for years. It wasn't until after March 3 when I realized that project wasn't the only problem. My switch to anarcho-nihilism encouraged skepticism of my whole lifestyle.

Today, I had another moment. Next to my computer in my room is a bookshelf, with many old books on it from early in my childhood. There was a messy pile of books and papers on top I chose to tidy up. Incidentally, I went into my bedroom closet finding somewhere to put some of those books. I found drawings I had made going back to 2015-16, and as late as 2018. I even found a drawing on a Post-It my middle school crush/girlfriend had made for me (an anime cat creature named Toby). It felt astounding finding all that. In the moment, I literally felt like an archaeologist digging up relics. After I had gotten everything sorted, I was left with a question that came in and out of my mind over the next hour: what legacy will I leave for myself in 7 years from now?

I don't know the answer. Maybe this blog, diary entries, drawings, old Discord DMs, etc. But it'll feel much different then compared to how it does now, much as it feels different now to look at my past. That question left me with a new feeling though. I feel like my chrysalis is beginning to close, if it hasn't already. I'm transitioning from the waking death of before. I'm slowly recovering from the Taylorist indoctrination of public school and regaining my ability to self-govern. I've fixed my sleep schedule, and I've gotten back to eating responsibly. I think soon, when the weather gets better, I'll leave my house for the first time in months and take a walk around the neighborhood.

I think things can only go up from here. That's why I'm confident enough to use such a determinist metaphor——a caterpillar finishing it's chrysalis. It won't be in a single moment or day, but sooner or later I think I'm going to emerge more free and beautiful than ever.

P.S. I'm sorry for being standoffish back then, Violet.